20 of the Weirdest Things About England That The English Don’t Realise Are Weird

Editor’s Note: I’ve just been informed Scottish bank notes are not legal tender.  They are, however, legal currency. I suppose this is like how you write ‘s’ instead of ‘z’ in realize and put a ‘u’ in color.  Correction is made.

This is my ex-pat American response to Tickld’s article 20 of the Weirdest Things About America That The Americans Don’t Realize Are Weird.

1. Why you willingly fry yourself to the brightest shade of red while on holiday.  It’s like a mark of pride.
2. Calling your calendars diaries.  I still imagine people wandering around with little pink notebooks with locks on them.
3. Naming all of your holidays ‘Bank.’
4. You pickle eggs. YOU PICKLE EGGS.  (You also put eggs in sausages and fry them, which is awesome, but you still pickle eggs.)
5. The whole Marmite war.  It’s resulted in screaming matches in some cases.  All over yeast!
6. While television advertising is minor it is the same three commercials over and over.  For those Americans who regularly watch the Discovery Channel it’s like that… EVERYWHERE.
7. Parking garages which are designed for the original version of the Mini.  All my minor accidents while driving almost ever in my life?  Trying to negotiate a car up the dang ramps in a parking garage. SCRRAAAAAATTTCCCHHH.
8. On another driving note… teeny tiny itty bitty little tiny small smidgy… speed limit signs.
9. That while you as an individual must commit yourself for life to the football team (and never ever leave it ever ever) your football players can flit about from team to team (and belong to both a Premier Team and a National Team at the same time) like one big footballing orgy.  And then you get so mad when you don’t progress in World Cup.  Don’t you think these guys are playing with very little focus?
10. You’ll tax the bees-knees out of everything, but not cake.  Cake is sacred.
11. Using the phrase “shattered” to mean tired and “you alright?” instead of asking how a person is.  It took me ages to stop thinking people where suffering a great depression or calling an ambulance.
12. Also, “ta” instead of “thank you.”  “Ta” = “Goodbye” in my land.
13. Speed cameras in cities, but by the gods you can drive 60 mph down a winding one lane country road with thick hedges on either side!
14. The fact that Scotland money is the same as England money but for some reason shops here can totally decline to accept it because it doesn’t have the right picture on it but it’s totally legal currency.
15. Why do you have shops open 24 hours but are closed on Sundays?
16. Also, why is it that shops can’t keep stock in stock?  Bread must have a mafia running it, because it can go out for days before coming back in.
17. The fact that people get Learners Permits for IDs but NEVER GET A DRIVING LICENSE.
18. Soap operas are EVENING entertainment.
19. That in some places you have to use a step ladder to get into a bath tub.  (Although as a lover of baths it’s completely worthwhile.)
20. That no matter where you go you can get beer and a pint of frying oil.  You may not get bread, but you can get beer and frying oil.

Despite all this I still love you.  But you’re weird.