Bacon.

I can’t believe I haven’t written about this extremely important topic before, so here goes.

There is a DISTINCT difference in what Americans call bacon and what British people call bacon.

Behold, American bacon:

Behold, British bacon:

Now, right away you can see the difference: above you have crispy, salt-injected nom nom goodness, below you have ham.  When people at work tell me they will have the bacon cheeseburger on pub lunch Fridays, I write down ham and burger.  Because British bacon is not bacon.  It’s ham, gently fried.  They even get larger slabs of this stuff, call gammon, and stick eggs or pineapple on top of it.  They also don’t consider donuts to be breakfast food. (Case in point: Krispy Kreme doesn’t open until 10AM.  It’s so sad.)  Also, they have never explored the glory which is the funnel cake.  I could go on but it gets me emotional.

“Wait!” you scream, “isn’t this just another example of the differences of British-English and American-English?  Kind of like how Americans say sidewalk and British say pavement?  Or the fact that British people look at you funny and giggle when you say fanny?”

No, this is a grievous error with the British population that must be rectified.  We’re talking investors, capital, marketing, you name it: British people need to be educated on bacon versus fried ham.

Now, I’m not saying that this is a one-way street here.  I know, for instance, that when you are in possession of or have someone who can drive a car that you can go out and get proper American bacon from large UK super-store grocers.  This is in distinct juxtaposition to the availability of black market cans of Libby’s Pumpkin, which I’ve heard can be traded for souls of virgins.  I also know that things like the use of beans as a toast flotation device should be marketed to the American public, because, well, they’re rather novel and can be used as replacements for donuts.  (Notwithstanding they do have better health value than donuts.)

So what I’m really asking Britain to do right now is work with me here.  Bring more American bacon into your shops and restaurants and in return I’ll personally teach people about baked beans as a breakfast food.  The south will totally grab onto the idea.  They will probably figure out a way to deep fry them in order to reduce any health value to zero.  It will be international cheap cuisine cooperation that could revolutionize the world.

Plus, it would result in me not needing a vehicle to go purchase the bacon I like.  Which, really, is what the entirety of this post is all about.